kirk vs. han - internet grudge match!!!

I did not write this, it's from a site (listed below) that matches things and people against each other. if you want to know who wins, read on!

The Scenario
Somewhere in space -- The air of the bar is thick with pungent haze and the clamor of innumerable alien languages. A table in the back is surrounded by women of almost a dozen different species, all transfixed on the man sitting there, wearing a yellow uniform shirt and reeling off a fantastic tale.
"So there's the Enterprise, surrounded by three Romulan cruisers, and the crew thinking Spock turned traitor and killed me with the Vulcan Death Grip. But I'm really aboard one of the cruisers, alone, disguised as a Romulan. I have to sneak into the most heavily guarded compartment of the ship, steal the cloaking device, and get it back to the Enterprise, or we're finished. So I--"
Kirk's tale is interrupted by derisive laughter from a nearby table. "A likely story," says the man lounging there, his boots resting on the tabletop, a sneer on his lips. "That kind of big talk may impress people where you come from, pal, but it wouldn't last ten seconds in Mos Eisley. And it's not doing so good here, either."
Sensing the attentions of his companions wavering, Kirk rises to his feet. "And just who might you be, pal?"
The stranger sets his feet down. "Name's Han Solo. Maybe you've heard of me. I'm pretty high up in the Rebel Alliance, and I've got the fastest ship in space. I made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs with her."
"Really?" Kirk laughs. "You can't be much of a pilot, if you don't know that a parsec measures distance, not time. I wouldn't fly with you if you had the last ship out of the Neutral Zone."
Solo begins to steam. "You are insulting my piloting? Big words. You gonna back them up?"
"I just might." Kirk turns to the bevy behind him. "You ladies step back. This shouldn't take long." The rest of the bar, sensing trouble, starts moving discreetly for the exits.
So, Brendan, which hotshot space jockey wipes the floor with the other?

The Commentary
BRENDAN: First things first, let's deal with the 800lb elephant in the room: the "Star Trek Must Lose" rule. Whatever validity that rule might normally have, it means nothing today. Today we are talking about Jim Kirk, and that means that faster than you can say "Kobayashi Maru" the rules are going to change. For once we will have a match that will be settled on the actual merits of the combatants involved, and that of course means that Kirk will fustigate Solo.
Let's just compare resumes here. Kirk routinely defeats gods, thumped the Klingon Empire so badly that a hundred years later it's being all but run by a bald Frenchman, and has scored with more women than Hugh Hefner and Wilt Chamberlain combined. By contrast, the toughest opponent Solo has ever defeated have been stormtroopers, he managed to get himself captured in every movie (including one memorable incident where he was captured by Ewoks and another where he had to be rescued by the same), and needed three movies to score with a single woman when the only competition for her was her brother.
And what experience does Solo have that will help him in a barroom brawl? His only notable hand to hand win was against Boba Fett and came about due to a one in a million lucky accident. Kirk whupped Khan, mano a mano, an opponent with five times his strength. He survived a Klingon prison (and learned how to fight dirty in the process). And perhaps most important, Kirk knows how to fashion makeshift weapons from whatever's handy, and this time he's not limited to just sulfur and diamonds. With the full contents of a bar to play with, Kirk should be able to bring a virtual napalm strike down on Solo.
There was a time when Solo would have known what to do when challenged to a fight. He would have just pulled out his blaster and shot Kirk. But that was a long time ago. Now we have the Special Edition Solo, the Solo that lets Greedo take the first shot, the Solo that has been Lucasfied. But it's not all bad for Solo. At least he'll be safely in intensive care by the time Kirk decides to start up with the karaoke.

SHANE: Bringing out the weapons of mass destruction early, aren't we, Brendan? Sorry, but Kirk won't last long enough to become the official vocalist of the Axis of Evil™, because it's Han who'll be fustigating him (once he looks up what that means).
First, bringing up George Lucas' delusions to attack Han is like insulting someone's mother: it's embarrassing, painful, maybe even true, but you're hitting the wrong target and just making your real opponent mad. Besides, the Special Edition also showed us that Solo can literally walk all over Jabba the Hutt, and all Jabba has to say about it is, "Han, my boy, you're the best." Han's a man who orders around a well-armed seven-foot Wookiee and makes him like it. Han shoots carnivorous monsters while legally blind. And Han has never, ever used a stun setting.
Sure, he's been captured a couple of times, but only when saddled with C-3PO, an albatross around anyone's neck as I learned. A quick count of Star Trek episodes shows that Captain Kirk has been captured no less than thirty-three times, and the Enterprise hijacked seventeen times on top of that. Kirk's been waylaid by Klingons, Romulans, Romans, Greeks, Nazis, gangsters, hippies(!), multicolored brains in a Pop-o-Matic™ bubble, and not once but twice by children! I'm surprised Kirk hasn't already been tied up by his lovely companions (but that's another matter...)
Speaking of which, Kirk's never been able to hold onto a woman for more than one episode. Han, your erroneous claim notwithstanding, was getting hot and heavy with Leia in Empire -- and do you know how long it takes to travel between star systems going slower than light? He had Leia where he wanted her for months, if not years. Suuuuuure the hyperdrive wasn't working.
Han is too tough, and too smooth, for Kirk to handle.

BRENDAN: Sorry Shane, but you are seriously overestimating Han's cleverness. Remember that this is the man who couldn't figure out that when the Empire only sends 4 Tie fighters after you out of the thousands the Death Star carries, that they want you to escape.
But let's say somehow that Han really did fake the hyperdrive not working to get some time alone with Leia. Not a bad plan necessarily, but clearly the execution was botched. Months alone in deep space (during which he somehow completely fails to notice that Boba Fett is following him), where he is literally the only man there, where he looks like Harrison Ford, and with a girl so desperate that she deep throated her own brother, and still all the chump gets is a single kiss. If Han fights as poorly as he romances then the red-shirted ensigns could take him.
But what really gives this one to Kirk is pride. Kirk has it, Solo doesn't, and since they are fighting for pride, that means Kirk is going to win. Need proof? Just look at how the two treated their respective ships. Kirk blew the Enterprise up rather than let it fall to the enemy. Because he had pride! Solo handed over the keys to the Millennium Falcon to the guy who froze him in carbonite. He didn't shoot Lando, or at least sic Chewie on him if Han was too much of a wuss to take Lando himself. Rather, he let the guy have his ship, because he had no pride (which isn't surprising from a man who would have been Ewok barbecue if 3PO hadn't bailed him out.)
Solo may manage to rip Kirk's shirt but when Kirk strikes back there won't be enough left of Solo to fill a carbonite ice cube.

SHANE: Oh, my turn again? Sorry, I was just looking up 'fustigate': vt., to criticize severely. Oooh, I bet Han is quaking, knowing that Kirk is threatening to give him a talking-to! That may work when Kirk's arguing computers into suicide, but it's no help here. Besides, in such a dramatic moment, Kirk will be more prone than usual to those long... slow... pauses... we know... so well... giving Han more time to shoot him while muttering "Boring conversation, anyway."
Now to tie up the loose ends of your other mistakes. One, Luke bailed Han out of the Ewok cookout, not 3PO. (Geez, Brendan, have you even seen any of the Star Wars films?) Two, Han got several kisses from Leia in Empire, and we only saw that little because Lucas had to keep the movie 'PG' for his young fanbase. The world wasn't ready for Star Wars pornography -- and still isn't -- but Han was more than able to deliver. (I leave it to your deviant imagination to come up with Han Solo's adult-movie name.)
Lastly, Han's plainly familiar with this establishment. No doubt he's already bribed the bar band to make sure they don't play anything remotely related to Star Trek action music. Without his fighting music backing him up, we all know Kirk is helpless. (They'll probably play that flute-and-strings love theme, just to further debilitate him.) Once Han's through with him, Kirk will look like that 800-pound elephant you mentioned (and isn't that small for an elephant?) trampled him. As for his female entourage... well, I bet Han's always wanted a harem like Jabba's.
Cue the wakka-chikka music! (And get the kids outta the room!)

The Results
Han Solo (6177 - 74.0%)
blasts
Captain Kirk (2168 - 26.0%

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